Tuesday, June 30

dis heat

Beautiful girl gets on the bus and sits in front of me. I put my nose in a book to avoid staring at her, not much of what's written on the page leaps out at me, its like substituting roast dinners for happy meals. I turn to look out the window. I see a guy throwing up on the New Kent Road. Throwing up in god's honest daylight, then walking away as if it never happened. Heaven help me, I didn't know where to look.
We live in a world of juxtapositions and abstractions. Summer heat makes a man go crazy.

Wednesday, June 17

Her and I, and the mountain

I said all these fancy things, and they were meant to come out like a joke. Like I'm being charming, like I'm impressive, like I'm an interesting human being.
It all sounded like bullshit from her end. Can't say I blame her.

Over time I began to realize that I'd built the whole thing up like Everest or something. I set up base camp upon tales of an awkward boyhood and poorly delivered compliments. I dreamed of escalating up high towards trite physicality, two hands touching with the safety turned off and reaching that ice cold peak. The shortness of breath that'll surely come with being at such a high altitude and the pace at which I'll have to move.

A mouse makes its way across bedroom floor as we talk, I hope she doesn't notice.

We spin some more yarn and I'm dreadfully aware of the cadence of my voice, all too concious about the way my words fall out. I chase her eyes a little as the gaze trails away from me. Interest fades a little, then flickers out like a light.

I hear a spring click back in to place and a mouse trap flip over. We get up and leave, I tell myself better luck next time.

Saturday, June 13

Weirdest dream

I think it was in two or three parts. In one part I was living in a country ran by a fascist dictator ship and about 14 years old. I don't really want to go in to it too much but basically we had to try and save the world with a hammer in a box and a roll of barcodes printed on paper. We ended up saving the world, but lost sight of our cause and tried to kill a bunch of rich kids.

In the other dream I was living in halls and there was this girl I kept seeing everywhere just by chance, eventually her and her friends confronted me and accused me of stalking her, which wasn't true. They said a lot of cruel things and refused to give back a comic I'd left there or something...so I beat them all to death and tried to leave the country. It was weird because it was someone I knew and I kept thinking the whole thing was real for a bit and being really quite worried about what the repercussions would be.

When I woke up I was pretty relieved I hadn't killed anyone.

Thursday, June 11

I was looking for a job and then I found a job,

yeah i felt like henry chinaski walking through the rain like a fucking chump in a puke green, however i think by the end of it all i'll not only be rich but impervious to all forms of rejection. gonna try and join a temping agency also

i think it will give me things to talk about

Monday, June 8

Well, I had a dream I cut my hair and spent hours looking at it in the mirror.

Friday, June 5


Nah, really though, it'd be nice if someone came up to me in the street and said:

"Hey Charles, it's my fault you're no good at the things you're no good at, sorry! Here's a special device that'll get rid of all your worst character traits and replace them with new awesome ones, also you'll be taller and able to play the piano."

Boy that'd be awesome!


I dreamed that I called every girl I'd ever liked an had an awkward interaction with, which is to say every girl I've liked or been in some way romantically involved and had embarrassed or made a fool of myself in front of. Which is to say, a lot of girls that thought/knew I was a prize chump.

I dreamed that I'd called 'em all up and that they'd forgotten who I was because they'd deleted my number from their phones. I asked them all the same thing:

"My house mate's having a club night at blah blah blah, was just wondering if you'd like to come?"

Weird thing is, they didn't say no or spurn my advances outright, they just stayed on the line in silence for a good long time until I hung up in shame and embarrassment.

Weird, eh?

Monday, June 1

Sleeping giants that won't come to


So, we're sitting on my sofa and we've been talking for a while, but I run out of shit to say. I can see her attention slipping away from me. For the little its worth I try to breathe some life in to the situation. I start off easy with some generic spiel about how hot it's been these last couple of nights,

"Weather's something else these days, doncha think?"

She takes the bait, we're both boring the fuck out of each other, but things could be worse. For a while we chit and chat about the clothes she plans to buy this summer. She gabs and I listen, watching her lips move. They purse and they pout from time to time, I get a couple glimpses at her teeth, they're in good shape.

When I think she isn't watching, I look her up and down like a judge at a dog show (believe me, the analogy fits) I ask where her dress is from, I don't really care but its a tight dress and I'm in dire straights over here. Trying to talk up my big lie a little more I attempt to lure it all in with some light humour and some trademark self depreciation. I laugh a little at my own sorry jokes, she feigns the same but neither of us are fooling anyone.

Still on the subject of summertime and how humid it's been, I pull out one of my classic deal breakers:

"Yeah, no, Tell me about it! I fell asleep in the clothes I wore last night and I woke up soaked! At first I thought I'd pissed myself but it was just sweat. Y'know. Hah!"

"Oh, right, haha"

I'm a lot funnier than this usually, not that she'll ever care to know. Really though, I'm a laugh riot. Really. Anyway, a wave of silence hits us and I know we're both spent.

"Yeah, I guess I sweat a lot."

"Right, yeah."

"So uh..."

I know that she knows I'm pathetic as shit but I figure I'll take one last swing at the bat, maybe peddle off some anecdote about the last time I got high, but She makes some sort of excuse and gets out of it. I say it aint a problem, tell her I'll see her around, pretend to check my phone like I'm waiting for someone better to turn up.

"Nice meeting you too."

I spend a moment or two wondering what I'll beat off to tonight. I head to my room and move my hand around for while then fall asleep.